DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS?
I GOT FAT.
THERE'S FOOD EVERYWHERE AND IT'S GREAT. Although, not for our waistlines perhaps. So here's 20 reaallly good and wise (ahem) pieces of advice and key points to remember for eating around Christmas that I've gathered from across the internet. Hell Christmas only comes once a year. In the words of Elsa..let it go.
1. Eat at night - calories can't see in the dark so they won't be able to find you
2. Pandas are proof that you can just eat leaves and still be fat
3. Drink alcohol while eating something fattening, the calories will get drunk and forget what they're there for
4. Dieting is easy. It's like riding a bike. And the bike's on fire. And the grounds on fire. And everything's on fire because you're in hell
5. Use superglue instead of lipstick
6. Eat whatever you want. If anyone tries to lecture you about your diet, eat them too
7. It's a commonly known fact that diets can only start on Mondays. If you've screwed up by Tuesday, the rest of the week is guilt free as you can't start again till next Monday
8. If you start a diet and aren't skinny by lunch time, give up
9. Eat with water so the calories drown
10. If you can't get thinner, become a good cook and make your friends fatter
11. Nobody wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your lettuce, shut up and be sad. And stop side-eyeing my cupcake
12. It's the thought that counts. So if you thought about going on a diet and doing exercise, then ate a whole cake and took a nap, you're halfway there
13. Go on a seafood diet. You see food, you eat it
14. Wine does not make you fat, it makes you lean..against walls, chairs and peculiar people
15. Regret is a terrible thing. You don't want to look back and think "I could have eaten that"
16. If you are what you eat then you may as well be delicious
17. Juice cleanses are only worth it when you add Vodka.
18. If you need to start being healthy, first make sure you've eaten up all the junk food in your house so it's not there to tempt you
19. Have fruit salad for dinner. Make it mostly grapes. Ok, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Have wine for dinner.
20. If you think you're losing weight at Christmas, double check..your tracksuit bottoms have probably become untied.