Heartbreak.

HEARTBREAK.

Don't read this if you're having a nice day because it's depressing as hell, 1000 apologies.

This is a strange post for me to write, and I don't even know what it's going to say yet. I don't use this blog any more, and I'm pretty sure no one reads it anyway, so not sure why I'm writing it at all. But sometimes I think when you have so many unspoken and unacknowledged feelings inside, you have to write them down somewhere neutral before everything explodes out of you in word vomit to the last person you want to know about it. Because chances are they're also the person you most want to know your thoughts and not telling them is so hard, even if you're pretty sure they don't want to know anyway. 

Which is where this post is coming from. From a break up of a 6 year relationship that I was 100% sure was the one. I was done, I was set, I'd found him. Problem was, he wasn't sure he'd found me.

There was a lot of talking and a lot of crying. I lot of "I don't know's" and "I love you's".. but still no conclusion. He didn't know what he wanted any more. So even though I did, I had to end it. Because I think after that much time (hell, after any amount of time) we all deserve to be with someone who is sure they want to be with us. I think too many people fight and settle because of what they want, and how much they love the person, but I always think you can go by the idea that if someone really wants to be with you, they will be. You don't have to try and convince them to be. 

It was a strange thing, because when someone breaks your heart, they're usually also the person you want to cry to and talk to, because they've always been the one that comforts you. For six years he'd been my strength when I was at my lowest and that didn't suddenly go away. What was strange about this situation is that for a month or so before we actually broke up I did get to cry to him and be comforted by him, even though deep down it was no real comfort at all. I got to vent all my worries and doubts and hurts, and he tried to make them better. But fundamentally too much damage was done, and I couldn't live in a relationship where the person trying to hold my heart together was the same one that was ripping it apart. 

Afterwards I felt strong. I'd ended the month long limbo of spending every second waiting to see if he was going to walk away, and I'd taken the decision into my own hands. I'd had the strength to make a decision I'd never wanted to make, based on my self worth and my conviction that I deserved better. And when I think about it, the strong, sassy, Beyonce part of me does still feel like this, and is proud that I went against the voice of my heart screaming at me to keep him no matter what it took. Because that voice is the one that leads you to lose your pride and behave in a way that you're ashamed of. 

Having been heartbroken before actually helped with this. After you've been through it once, you know that yes, it's going to be utterly shit, but you will be ok. That is key. I think you can also look at who you became the first time and decide whether you want to behave like that again. I did not.

So I've resisted all the natural urges; to text him, tell him how I'm feeling, try and assess how he's feeling, engage in normal conversation, see him. I've only discussed what we had to (we lived together so have flat issues to sort). It's been the hardest thing I've ever done, especially as he's been trying to get things like that out of me and I don't know why, (I think he's looking to hear I'm ok to relieve his sense of guilt) and feeling unsure about someone's motives who you always felt you knew better than yourself is confusing and painful.

I think because of that, the hardest thing for me has been the not knowing. Knowing is, in it's own way, awful. You torment yourself with what you see and what they're saying to you, which is what I did the first time I went through this. You bait them, hoping they'll say what you want to hear, and they never do. The first time, knowing felt like the worst thing in the world.

This time it's different; it's not knowing that feels like the worst thing, and I'm not sure what's better. Sure, this time I have my pride. Or at least I feel like I do. He doesn't know where I'm at in my head or how I'm feeling, or how many good vs bad days I have. (As you can probably tell, today is a low day). But I don't know how he's doing either. And misery loves company. When you're having a low moment, you want them to be, too. When you don't know anything, you can torment yourself in a completely different way, because everything could be true.

Yes, he could be totally over you, loving life and sleeping with everyone he sees, thinking this decision is the best one he ever made. He's happy all the time. He doesn't miss you at all. He sometimes misses the company, probably, but as a person it's a relief you're gone. Distance has made him realise how little he cared. He feels like the shackles are off and he's himself for the first time in years. What a waste of time all those years were. You are not the right person for him and you never were. Onwards and upwards.

All of this I've told myself, and I believe some of it to be true.

But I'll never know because I won't ever ask. Nothing is worse than thinking the worst things you can and having them confirmed, which I've found is all you get from talking to the person that's left you.

And I know that fundamentally it doesn't actually matter if all of that's true, as it doesn't change the situation either way. Either way I have lost him. And his feelings are irrelevant, as that's something I have to learn to live with. And try and keep telling myself in any low moments that I will be ok.

One day at a time.

August Inspiration and Wishlist.

AUGUST INSPIRATION AND WISHLIST.

The weather getting a bit more miserable over the last couple of days has made me start to think about Winter dressing again (after oooh, say, a month of summer dressing?) and I'm not going to lie I'm actually a bit excited about it. There's something about September approaching that brings a back-to-school feeling and makes me want to re-invent myself and my wardrobe. 

I want one of those ultra chic wardrobes where everything goes with everything else and is just highlighted by the odd jazzy, fashiony bit. So from now on I want to buy everything in black, white and grey with some animal prints thrown in, and really focus on interesting cuts, shapes, textures and layering rather than being distracted by what colour I need to wear to co-ordinate. I also feel like it might challenge me a bit more styling-wise to have to try and find new ways to make what I own more exciting and different so I don't always look like I'm wearing the same things. Wouldn't a 3-way colour palette make my life easy? It's a nice plan but it'll all go out of the window when I spot some crazy feathery contraption in bright orange that makes my heart go mental.

 

With that in mind, this is my "if I was rich" list, that I may try my best to work my way through when I get the urge to buy something. I've already got the Zara dress at the bottom (on the model) so, you know, I'm off to a good start. 1 out of 30 isn't bad. 

Thursday Inspiration. Colour.

THURSDAY INSPIRATION.

Colour.

I'm going to (try) and start doing themed inspiration posts on a Thursday, just of a mixture of things that I've found and pinned recently. Hopefully it'll get me thinking about my blog again as I tend to do a few posts in a row and then forget about it entirely. Woops.

All images and credits can be found through my Pinterest account, here.

(Ps..I made these Oreo and M&M cookies last weekend and they are SO NICE and super easy to make. This isn't my picture as I ate them too quickly obviously, as I have no self control. Find the recipe here.) 

Five Steps to Spring Cleaning Your Wardrobe.

FIVE STEPS TO SPRING CLEANING YOUR WARDROBE.

Ok warning..this is a long post. I get carried away with cleaning and organising so APOLS in advance.

Over-hauling your wardrobe from time to time is essential as it stops you feeling bored of your clothes and you suddenly remember how many nice ones you have that you’d forgotten about because they’d got stuffed to the back in a heap.

Obviously everyone stores their clothes differently depending on space, but as much as possible I try to hang everything. I find if you can’t see it then you don’t wear it. When you’re staring at your wardrobe first thing in the morning it’s so much easier to have it all in front of you. Also, not folding things stops everything getting creased and horrible, because who needs to tackle an iron first thing in the morning?

This way of storing means I have two and a half wardrobes (the half is out of the one that’s technically my boyfriend’s) which I don’t feel bad about because it was sitting there all empty and tempting, he stuffs everything into a chest of drawers with no logic or organisation and I think I may have to leave him because of it.

ANYWAY, sadly my bedroom is pretty small and I have to find the best way of cramming stuff in that I can. I got two of these Ikea wardrobes on the recommendation of Lizzie and they’ve been an absolute lifesaver, insanely cheap as well.

Right then, take a deep breath. I’m actually start going to give you tips now because that’s why you’re here and TBH you probably didn’t even read all the rambling above, can’t say I blame you.

STEP ONE

Take absolutely everything out of your wardrobe. I mean it. Everything. Clear the top of it. Pull the lonely socks from the back of drawers. Take out everything that hangs so you have completely empty, fresh looking wardrobes and drawers. HOW EXCITING IS THAT, it feels like a fresh start already.

STEP TWO

Either with warm soapy water or general house cleaning spray, wipe down all surfaces, including the tops, shelves and walls.

STEP THREE

While it's drying, this is the throwing away stage. Be brave, pour yourself a cup of coffee or a glass of wine if necessary, (even if you’re doing this on a Saturday morning) and get stuck in. Put everything that needs to go in the wash in the wash. Including the stuff that usually lies on your wardrobe floor because it’s probably a bit gross by now. Make a pile of anything that’s dry clean only and actually take it (later, obvs). Out of the rest of your clothes make three piles, Yes’s, No’s and Maybe’s.

Yes’s should be clothes you wear a lot, clothes you love, and it should all fit you. If there’s a t-shirt there that looks battered and old, but you wear it a lot, make a note to replace it.

The No’s pile is old, tatty, damaged and out of date clothes that just don’t make you happy, and you don’t wear. And anything that you just can't remember why you bought it. Throw them all away (unless they’re in good condition, then donate them to charity).

The Maybe’s is the hardest pile. It’s probably full of things you like but don’t wear, stuff that doesn’t quite fit, and pieces that you keep thinking that you will wear again, but never choose.

BE BRUTAL when deciding what to keep. You need to assess why you don’t wear certain pieces. Do you like it, but don’t feel you have anything that goes with it? I found I had a lot of tops that I thought “Oh that would go so perfectly with smartish black trousers” ..but I didn’t have any. So I made a note to buy some and suddenly a whole load of new options opened up. Assess the gaps in your wardrobe and make a shopping list, which is often full of basics that will bring the best out of your existing clothes. For example don’t think “I’ll only ever wear this with those Prada boots I want” and then use it as an excuse to buy them. Unless you’re rich, in which case, go right ahead.

If you like it but don’t wear it because it’s not “you”, sell or donate it. Sadly this is the same with anything that doesn’t fit. I’ve kept things for years thinking I’ll slim back into them. I never do. Stop letting them hang there making you feel sad and fat. Get rid of them.

While we’re throwing away, pair up all your socks. Any with holes, or that you can’t find the pair to, throw. If you find the other one in a week it’s not the end of the world, it’s only a sock. (This is obviously not the case if they were expensive cashmere socks or something. In that case, keep the lonely one and pray for the best). I sound like I have some real vendetta against socks, I keep bringing them up. Socks are my friends though.

STEP FOUR

Now be practical and assess what you have left and what sort of storage you need. Do you need more storage for bags or shoes? While you’re at it, throw away all your metal hangers and those horrible childish plastic ones. Get some neat, thin ones that match. I know it seems crap spending money on hangers, but when all your clothes hang neatly at the same level it’s so much nicer and you can fit so much more in. Primark do sets of thin fabric hangers for £4 for 10. I’ve probably spent about £100 on them by now but they make me happy soooo that’s that. As long as you're delicate with them because they do have a tendency to snap if you manhandle them.

Knowing what you have will help you to know what sort of storage is best. I’m a big fan of boxes as it really makes the most of space. I have a few of these from Cargo in a couple of different sizes that I put in the bottom of my wardrobes, full of clutch bags and underwear. I also keep all my shoes in shoe boxes on top of my wardrobe. This can look really messy, so try and keep the boxes as uniform as possible. Either buy some (examples here and here), or buy some paper and wrap ones you have. I recently did one with this marble contact paper and it looks so much nicer (if I say so myself). 

STEP FIVE

Now you need to find a way to hang everything. I used to hang it all together, colour coordinated. While this looked lovely and made a wonderful Instagram picture, it wasn’t the most sensible for getting dressed (I rarely had a “pink” day, whereas I do have days where I just want a long sleeved t-shirt. I now have it like this:

- All skirts and trousers together on clip hangers, 2 to a hanger, colour co-ordinated (after all it looks so nice).

- All dresses together, colour co-ordinated. You can also split them into day and evening. All my sparkly party dresses are in the ½ wardrobe as this keeps them out of the way day to day.

- I run my tops by sleeve length (which sounds mental but works quite well, weather wise, and if you haven’t shaved your armpits or anything, you know). I start with strappy vests, and hang my jackets over them. This leads to sleeveless tops, then t-shirts, then long sleeve (shirts etc), then jumpers.

- Jeans I fold and put on a shelf, as they’re bulky and take up less space this way.

And I think that’s it. I’m bloody exhausted, I feel like I’ve done the whole thing again! I realise I haven’t tackled jewellery and accessories, but I’ll do that in another, hopefully shorter post.

I hope this helped! To anyone that made it through the whole thing, was there any useful information in it? Do you have any tips for me?

Black and Cream.

BLACK AND CREAM.

I went out Saturday night for an event for my boyfriend's boss's birthday so I wanted to wear something dressed up but still quite grown-up looking (don't know who I think I am).

The effect may have been ruined by how drunk I got and I consequently spent all Sunday wrapped up in my duvet like a sausage roll of sadness, wanting to be sick. My only hope is that everyone else was so drunk that I wasn't out of place. One day I'm sure I'll learn how to behave appropriately at social events.

16 Things That Are Actually Ok

16 THINGS THAT ARE ACTUALLY OK IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

1. That if you look at Instagram, it would appear that everyone is more successful than you. Just remember that the person the step behind you is looking at your account and thinking that. And also remember that everyone photoshops themselves.

2. That you don't know what Hemp powder or Spirulina are. You've got through life without them ok so far.

3. That you don't have wild, up for anything sex all the time. Missionary is the most common for a reason, and in real life Anastasia Steele would almost definitely have Cystitis constantly.

4. That people on your Facebook might be getting pregnant, but you can't imagine a day when you don't have a full blown panic attack if you're a day late or slightly bloated. 

5. If your friends/that girl from work have more Twitter followers than you. They're invisible followers, not friends.

6. To sometimes eat a whole packet of biscuits in one go. As long as it's not an every night thing, you're probably fine.

7. That you wear most of your items of clothing regularly. NORMAL PEOPLE DO THIS. It may be the fashion blogger way, but if you buy something and only wear it once that's generally a stupid purchase. 

8. To not always have freshly washed hair. Who has the time? 

9. If you listen to music that's socially unacceptable for your age group. One Direction are lovely boys.

10. To start a list or letter again if you make a spelling mistake. It doesn't matter if it's just your food shop, it needs to look lovely in your pretty notepad.

11. To only use Salt, Pepper, and occasionally Paprika. Paprika is exotic, ok? It's red.

12. That if you live with someone, they only see you in pajamas. Who are these people that wear jeans at home and are they ok.

13. That most of your wages go on paying to live in London/whatever big city you live in, therefore you can't actually afford to do anything now you're there. Don't worry, you're still getting the..umm..ambience. And everyone else is at home watching Netflix too.

14. To whittle your friendship group down. Once you get out of school/uni, no one needs those girls that bring drama and that you're only friends with out of habit. Those ones that only speak to you when they want something? It's them. 

15. If you actually really enjoy those days where you clean your flat and do all your washing. You feel productive, the house feels ready for unexpected guests (not that any ever turn up) and you have first pick out of all your clothes (aka..pants. You don't have to wear those horrible lacy ones that bunch up).

16. If all of these apply to you. 

March Wishlist.

MARCH WISHLIST.

This month I want soft tones, luxe fabrics and tied up everything with military accents. This weather has got me thinking about Spring and a welcome break from black skinny jeans! It's really about time, mine have gone grey from over wear this season and I ripped them bashing my shin on a stupid unnecessary wall outside my house. Why couldn't I have smacked my knee, and then the rip would at least look intentional? #fashiongirlproblems